3:59pm What a day. "Emotional rollar-coaster" doesn't actually cover it. I mean I'm fine, but as I move through the day I'm hit with wave upon wave of intense emotion. Today is Rosh HaShanah. I am acutely aware that today is a High Holy Day, acutely aware of how little personal experience I have of celebrating it from a spiritual perspective (as opposed to a culinary one), and how my spiritual community, rich and deep as it is, caring and careful to wish me a Happy New Year, has me once again in grief over my disaffection from organized religious practice, including and perhaps especially the religion of my ancestors. I had felt that so much had gotten healed vis a vis my relationship to my Judaism during the first year of my seminary training. But in the space and clarity of this fast, so much is coming up yet to be healed. Today, after hearing the story of a dear friend and spirit sister's awakening to her own internalized race hatred, I wonder if I've got that going on myself — if at the root of this disaffection, perhaps even antipathy, is a long-buried case of antisemetism. That would be a real kick in the head! I, who have been quite an in-your-face secular Jew, eager to use a yiddish bon mot whenever possible, proud to have a fairly good working knowledge of Yiddish and a very nearly perfect Eastern European accent... this is something to contemplate. It makes it easy to remain disaffected with the political situation in Israel which has me at odds with family that lives there. Anyway, I find this and other strong, hard, uncomfortable feelings coming up today, as I move through day 32.
It struck me that with 8 days left, I am now able to have wave on wave of difficult feelings without using food to medicate them way. I've developed a new way of being with feelings and, as I once again contemplate the approaching end of this 40 day container, I'm thinking of keeping it going. We'll see what unfolds.
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